What's that Suzy?  You say you want the hottest CHS news in the world?  Well, you've come to the right place.  This section of the page is CONSTANTLY updated, so have fun coming back here every week or so.
 

I realize that this story is kind of old, but it still needs to be reported!

The Student Council is nothing more than the CHSvadministration's pathetic attempt at making us feel democratic, plain and simple.  An uninformed student may very well assume that the council is actually a place where ANY student can go, get elected, and (in the words of Drew McEleny) "Make a difference at CHS."  Not true, you don't think that the fine CHS staff would let any "Non-jock" do anything to our fine system, do you?

Well, last year a whole bunch of "Non-jocks" made it into the student council.  A LOT of non-jocks. Despite the best of efforts from Mr. Gettes,  Dusty Roth's "DWO" campaign won at the polls, big.  The staff tried its damndest  to get Dusty and his crew kicked off of  their student council positions, and they succeded, kicking the whole DWO out for some bullshit reason and replacing them with jocks.

Well, well, well.  I must say that I sure am impressed by the craftiness of Mr. Gettes!  Boy oh boy, what a great feeling to realize that our fine school will NEVER be 'counciled' by a...NON JOCK!  Thank god Mr. Gettes stepped in!  This was just final proof that all CHS stands for is just a place where only jocks matter.  Fuck it, I quit.
 

What did I tell you?  I said the play was gonna be awful!  Did you listen?  Did you!?! No, you didn't, and you wasted four of your hard-earned dollars to watch that piece of shit, didn't you?

The play sucked, it really sucked.  First off, I'd just like to say that I really hate it when, after the play, the dramas are all...talking about how good they did.  It makes me sick.  Now, as for the plot of the play:  A retard (S. Mark Davis) is all afraid of water.  A preacher of some sort (Gabe Dohrn) comes to the retard's small, backwoods town.  The retard's fatass father (Erik Wytral) whines an awful lot, and Scott Moorehead and Jeff Policky spen a lot of time trying to be funny and just acting gay.  At the end the retard dies, but the preacher shows them the way, or something.

Now, I thought that church and state were to be seperated!  What the hell did they think we were gonna get out of this play  "Ya know, before I saw this play, I was lost.  But now, I'm found!"  This play was pretty much an excuse for Marc Davis to show off those foxy abs of his.  If you wasted your money on this, sorry, don't say I didn't warn you.
 
 

Hmmm, let's see.  The Clinton High rules book clearly states that no student shall be dismissed from class for reasons other than illness and/or a doctor/dentist appointment.  All other absences are UNEXCUSED!

Well, those rules don't seem to apply to a Principal's son.  A while back gumma was in the front office for some bullshit reason, and what to his wondering eyes should appear but little Tommy Howe.  Tom walked straight over to his father, asked to be excused from school to purchase clothing, and was given a pass.  Pure bullshit.

You know, maybe I would be a bit more implied to follow the rules if they weren't so damn flimsy!  I can say, without a doubt, that the folks in the CHS front office are the biggest fuckin hypocrites in the world. I swear in class, I skip a gym class that I don't need, or I'm not in the door fast enough, I get to spend an extra eighty minutes in school.

I refuse to believe that anybody in the front office is actually stupid enough to believe that they, in some way, make some sort of a difference. All  people in the front office do is give detentions to the students they don't like (skaters, non-jocks, people who refuse to kiss their asses)  and look the other way when it comes to students they like (kiss-ups, jocks, preps, etc).  The CHS front office is in place for one reason and one reason only, to give worthless people jobs.  I see a serious problem in nepotism, I think it to be a damn shame that it's practiced here, but there's nothing I can do about it but bitch.

Next time you're about to skip a class, just remember little Tommy Howe, bring it up to Mr. Owen if you get caught, see how that piece of poop responds  "Well, you see, 'Jimmy'  Tom Howe,  is better than you.  Tom deserves to not go to school, Tom is a suck up prick."  I doubt it, but, he's too dumb to admit the truth.  He'd say something like "Gee, I sure am a fat ass, that never happened.  For questioning me, you get an extra detention."
 
 

    "Lordy lordy Mistah Jones!  They be putin’ on a new play at the highs school."  Your mother/sister/aunt/neighbor/etc.  might have said that exact same thing recently.  Trust us,  there’s no need to get that excited.

    We here at Umma and Gumma’s The Better Clintonian have seen a total of five CHS plays, not a one of them was anywhere near good.  We’d go as far as to say that they all sucked, bad.

    "Why are they all so bad?"  you might ask?

    Well, many things attribute to the awfulness of CHS plays.  First and foremost we have to blame the psuedo-christian leadership of Stacey Oakley.  This chick couldn’t direct monkeys in a shit-throwing contest.  Think about it, if she actually could act or write or even direct she wouldn’t be working at an Iowa high school.  She’s a crazy, ugly, mean, talentless, little woman.

    Next up, we must blame the dramas themselves.  These people can’t do anything.  They’re worthless.  Name one drama who is good at any one thing.  Can’t come up with anybody, huh?

    The teachers at our school are probably the only people on earth who enjoy the galavanting of these shitty little people (expect the dramas themselves).  Nothing turns my stomach more than watching Scott Moorhead (in tights) throwing his scrawny ass around whilst making screaching noises, and having to hear people laugh at it.  Dramas are not humans.  Dramas are burdens on our society who should be shot.

    You combine an director who can’t direct, actors who can’t act, a tech crew that can’t build, a crappy, unfunny, not in any way risque script and what do you get?  Once upon a Mattress,  The Crucible, Guys and Dolls, The Prodigius Snob, and more likely than not The Diviners.  Don’t waste your money seeing this, not even if your child is in it or something.   Go to a movie.  Go to a restaurant.  Watch TV.  Whatever you do DON’T SUPPORT CHS THEATER!
 
 

    You have another question, Suzy?  What's that?  No, you ask me the question right away, you'll be better off E-mailing US